Downward spiral…

…into the deepest level of hell…

Well, it was nice while it lasted. Unfortunately, it didn’t last long. My beautiful peace has departed and left me worse than when I was taking the evil pills. Now, I’m swimming in a sea of estrogen since I’ve started the estrace and the tears have started.

I’m fully aware that it’s all drug induced. But doesn’t make things any easier…

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Finally almost myself again…

The last evil pill was finally taken on Thanksgiving.  My emotions are beginning to settle down again, thank God.  The world is actually a decent place to be right now. …don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll change soon…

It’s for a good cause, to help a family grow by giving them a child of their own. It’s an amazing journey, and even though it makes me emotionally nuts, well worth it in the end.

This is my third family. Having done it twice before, I know what it involves. Even so, it’s so difficult to control emotions.  Like I’ve posted before, it’s like seeing the train coming and having your feet stuck on the tracks, wanting to jump but unable to do anything but watch the chaos emerge.

The transfer is tentatively scheduled for December 15th.  I’m really excited as it gets closer and closer.  I think the parents are playing it safe and are being cautiously optimistic.  They’ve done this before, without success.  But that’s because they hadn’t worked with me.  😉

I have a good feeling about this and will remain positive.  🙂

People: Understanding vs Revenge

So.  There’s this girl.  And I want to beat her. With a baseball bat. Is that wrong? I haven’t done it. But I want to.  Since I don’t want to end up in jail, having to be Bobbette’s girlfriend, I’ll try to control myself.  With a name like Bobbette, she can’t be pretty.

It’s true that this “girl” has a hard home life. Her boyfriend isn’t top-quality-people and I think he’s hit her at least once/twice.  She has no control at home.  So she goes to work and is a complete bitch to her coworkers.  Oh, she does it sneaky like, behind people’s back, but she does it.  She does whatever she can so the “light shines on her” from her superiors.  She has “brilliant” ideas and is constantly “looking to improve processes, procedures, etc.”  She’s constantly smiling and whenever things go wrong, it was a “mistake,” completely “innocent.”  She loves gossip and so is “friendly” to everyone.  She smiles and confides things.  To everyone.

And then proceeds to lock things up to piss people off.  She turns equipment off just to irritate.  She’s even gone so far as to buy a toy that beeps–for the sole purpose of bugging those around her.  Is it me or is this a little childish?

How do I know these things are being done on purpose?  Because she’s told me.  Other’s have told me.  “Oh, she did that to piss so-n-so off.”  Today, she locked a computer up before she left for the day.  “Oh, she did that on purpose to piss someone off.  I don’t know who, though.”  I’m thinking it was a present for me since I was the only other person working on it today.

Some folks believe in signs, others do not.  I’m a scorpio.  According to (http://www.astrology-online.com/scorpio.htm) scorpio tendencies include

sensitivity, together with a propensity for extreme likes and dislikes make them easily hurt,

quick to detect insult or injury to themselves and easily aroused to ferocious anger…

are not above expressing vindictiveness in deliberate cruelty
I am aware of these tendencies.  And, believe it or not, do try to be a better human being.  I try to think of things as learning lessons which allow me to grow into a better human being, for my own benefit and for the benefit of those around me.
Which brings me to my moral quandary:
  • a) be a better person and walk away
  • b) challenge her on it
  • c) beat her with a baseball bat
  • d) run her over with a bus
  • e) be just as sneaky and do simple things to piss her off, as well (like change her radio station.  She has a note on it asking people to not change it.  It would be something she would do!)

 

I know that a) and b) would be the better choices.  Logically, I am aware.  Deep within me, I want to do c) and d).  But since I can be vindictive, I’m inclined to do e).

Perhaps by the end of the weekend, I’ll have talked myself into option a).

Happy Thanksgiving.

(Just as an FYI, I did do a search for Bobbettes out there, wondering if any Bobbettes reading this would be offended that I said they wouldn’t be pretty.  I couldn’t find any.  Even when I tell myself that I’m NOT going to censor myself here, that I’m going to say it, whatever IT is: good, bad or ugly, I still don’t want to offend.  …sigh…)

Bipolar swing…

There are moments when you see the train coming at you but you just can’t step off the tracks.  Today is one of those days for me.

The birth control pills are bad enough.  But the lupron makes it so much worse. So, instead of going to water aerobics, which I love very much, today I stayed at home, in bed, crying my eyes out.  Because the world is an ugly place right now. I know, KNOW, that these moods are a result of the drugs I’m on.  But knowing doesn’t change how I feel.

There is a black poison flowing through my veins right now.  Darkening everything.  It pulls at me until I want to scream.  It is pulling me apart.  I want to cry out, but sound escapes me.  Instead, I close my eyes and let the tears fall into my pillow.  Quietly.  I feel so alone.  There are sounds in the other room. They might be a million miles away.  They are way too far from me to make a difference.  Darkness is all I see.  A lonely void of nothing…

A Mother’s Role (part 2)

The last blog was posted because of a comment someone made on Facebook.  She commented that her daughters grades (92, 89, 87, 90, 92, 97, 98) were too low and that she was “infuriated… these grades better go up!”  The child is in 7th grade and does gymnastics.  Considering the stress of both of those, these grades are something to be proud of.

So my reply to that post was “if I was (girl) I would be very disappointed that my mom couldn’t appreciate my hard work :(”  As you might imagine, this was well received by other moms but not so much by the person who posted the comment. My least favorite reply was “(girl) is a child and doesn’t have an option of being ‘disappointed’ in me- I am the parent.”

What I wanted to say to that would not have been well received by anyone. Again, I not going to censor myself here.  This blog is what I call “puking word vomit.” It is all that I think but a) don’t have the courage to speak out loud, b) can’t say for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or c) might get me fired (if work related).  Here, I have no one’s feelings to worry about.

“Hey bitch, a 12 year old has EMOTIONS and she can not only be DISAPPOINTED, she can outright HATE YOU.  I know because it happened to me and my dear old mother, fucker.  Just because you’re a PARENT, does not make you GOD.  You shouldn’t abuse your power over ANYONE, but -especially- YOUR CHILDREN.  You are entrusted with their safety, not just for the moment, but for LIFE.  This includes their physical wellbeing, and their EMOTIONAL, jackass.”    ***insert shaking head here***

Obviously, I kept that statement to myself.  It also scares me that this woman might become my sister-in-law…

 

 

A Mother’s Role.

Let me tell you a little secret.  I hate my mother.  She is a cruel, vindictive, manipulating, uneducated, poor reflection of a human being and dare I say, possibly even, slightly evil?

When I started this blog, I said that I would try not to censor myself.  So here goes.

If you’ve read the previous posts, you’ll know that I am not “normal” as a result of my abnormal childhood.  This resulted in a love-hate relationship with dear old mom.  So now, she’s in a nursing home (she had a stroke several years ago) and I see her every three/four days.  Not because I don’t want her to be lonely, not because I miss her, but out of guilt.  Guilt that she instilled in me at a very early age.  Guilt that she tried to instill in my girls at a very early age and I pray she was unsuccessful.  Guilt is not a very good reason to visit your mother.

They are quick visits and very poor “quality” visits at that.  Conversation is minimal and usually consists of complaints about the nursing staff.  She makes demands (“get the blanket” or “get me juice” or “I need more shampoo” etc) immediately when I walk in the door.  I wouldn’t mind that so much if she just asked how my day was.  But she never asks.  Ever.

I know it’s wrong to wish for someone’s death but it’s the truth.  Deep down, and for a very long time, I’ve wished for her death.  Her death would mean that she would no longer feel pain, would no longer be at someone else’s mercy, would finally be at peace.  If those were my sole reasons for wishing death upon her, perhaps I would not feel such guilt.  But I am flawed.  My reasons are selfish.  It would mean I would no longer have to face her.  I would no longer have to go out of my way to see her.  I would no longer have to pretend to care.  I would no longer have to deal with her demands.  I would no longer have to deal with her.

Good vs Evil

“He was evil but now he’s one of the good guys.”  Evil, such a simple tag and yet so difficult to distinguish.  Aren’t we all a little bit of both?  Whenever I hear my daughter say that during some show, I wonder if I should explain to her that it’s not WHO a person is but what actions he/she take that are good and evil.

I was driving home today from work and someone cut me off.  I had an image of pulling the driver out of the car and beating him with a baseball bat.  If “it’s the thought that counts” does this make me one of the evil guys?  I didn’t actually do it.  😉  I’d rather go with “actions speak louder than words.”

What makes someone evil, anyway?  What if someone was found beating another individual with a baseball bat, for example.  Does that action automatically make him/her evil?  Would it be acceptable, under any circumstances?  I have a variety of what-if scenarios that I think about and what I might do.  There are moments when I want to get into a bus, run someone over, put it in reverse, run that person over again, put it in drive and run them over again as I drive away.  If thoughts were the only distinction between good and evil, I would be in trouble…

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