Perhaps a clarification is appropriate.  I am not a socialite, quite the opposite.  I’d like to be, if not a socialite, then perhaps more socially acceptable.  I’m not a complete weirdo, just slightly.

It would probably help if I stated some things from my childhood.  At some point or another, all of us believe that our childhood was far from normal.  This is true for me and many others, I’m sure.  I give credit to the Brady Bunch for being as “normal” as I am today.  My mother was diagnosed bipolar with paranoid tendencies when I was in high school.  Of course by then, the damage was quite done, like a burnt turkey on Thanksgiving, the kind that you poke with a fork and smoke comes out of it.

When I was going to school, my mother would tell me exactly what to say and what to do, I was not allowed to think for myself.  She would also make comments like “nobody wants to be your friend, they just want to get the details of your life for their own purposes.”  Or perhaps the typical “don’t tell them anything!  They’ll just use it against you later.”

If you’re wondering how a child makes friends when she’s not allowed to “tell anyone anything” you can stop wondering.  It doesn’t happen.  Can you imagine what happens to a child in school when he/she doesn’t have friends?  It wasn’t pretty.

I did eventually figure out that things would go easier if I mimicked what the girls around me were doing.  And there are plenty of girls who just want someone to listen to them.  So that’s what I’d do.  I became “friends” with a few of the other girls who wanted nothing more than to talk about themselves to anyone who would listen.  I would smile at the appropriate times, complement their new hairstyles or the pretty outfit and survived school almost unharmed.  For the most part, I stayed under the radar and made it through.

This blog won’t be about my childhood, though, it’s about the person I became as a result of those experiences, but most of all, it’ll be about the person I want to become.  I am old enough and smart enough to know that those experiences shaped the person I am today, but I have the control to shape the person I want to be.  I have the control now.


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