Ah, the life of a reject.

There are days when the truth smacks you in the face and there is no way to pretend it’s not there. Today is one of those days for me.

I have tried not to lie to myself, even though I continually lie to others. Everyday, I reach out to people, make jokes, stay friendly, but at the end of each day, it’s no different from the day before. More often than not, I acknowledge the fact that I’m only spoken to when I initiate conversation, but today, it’s hitting me kinda hard.

Once again, I’m thrown aside, as the reject that I am. Today, I wonder if I were to die, if anyone would really care. Oh yeah, no doubt people would come and say “hey, she was kinda funny,” and then they would move on, not actually feeling any true loss. And that is beyond depressing. So I sit on my bedroom floor, trying to hide and shrink into the nothing that is my existence. Hating the world, and hating myself.

Cold from the outside in… Freezing from the inside out…

Random thoughts…

In my first post, I mentioned that when I was in school, I didn’t really know how to behave since my mother always told me what to do and what to say. I started to copy what others around me were doing. This behavior has followed me into adulthood. I never considered doing anything like this until I found out that someone I know does this. I’ve read her stuff and found it to be very enlightening.

After much thought and consideration, I came to the conclusion that I lack my own identity. How pathetic to be, or attempt to be, everyone else around me, never getting it quite right. I think the part has been played well since no one has ever called me on it. I’ll take it as a compliment to my acting skills. It’s not that I don’t know this, I did take an intro to psychology course in college. Freud would have a field day with me.

If I see someone fall, I look at it (the fall) as an observer might look at stars through a telescope, out of reach to control. I hope that makes some sense. Anyway, it wasn’t until people around be began to behave and comment “OMG, are you okay? Let me help you!!” that I realized my behavior was inappropriate. Normal people help other people, they don’t just watch.

It took time, but I began to think things through for myself. Actually, that’s an untrue statement. I came across people whom I thought were really amazing, with many friends, and wanted to be just like them. So I began to mimic their behaviors. (Did I mention this blog came about because a friend of mine had one?)

I don’t have many friends because I don’t have the social skills to be charismatic and captivating, but I do appreciate the ones I have. They are, as Simi would say, “quality people.”

Another bipolar swing… Sigh…

What you think about, you bring about. I’ve heard it from different people in different ways. It always leads to the same thing, focus on good things so you get more of those good things. I don’t know if I believe it but at least there’s no harm in trying it.

Took a trip to mother’s today. I saw her laying there in her bed and felt shame over what I’ve typed here. She isn’t evil, just not what I think a warm and loving mother should be. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t post lies. She is manipulative and verbally abusive but she did the best she could with what she had.

The woman who gave me life didn’t give me hugs but did help me get through four years of college. She didn’t give me the best toys a kid could have but she kept me fed and clothed. A friend of mine (who has heard stories of my experiences) tells me that, had she experienced what I did, she would never speak to Mother again. And there are moments when I don’t want to see her but…

She did the best she could with what she had and, at the end of the day, my childhood was a lot better than some. So I’ll quit bitching and appreciate what I had. It lead me to be the person I am today.

And, for the most part, I’m very happy.