Moving along

So it’s been a little bit. The pregnancy is moving along, 13 weeks now. Baby is due December.

I’ve dropped the evil estrogen pills, which is wonderful. I feel more like myself again, but even so, now I have to deal with the regular pregnancy hormones. Most days, the world is shiny and bright but I still have the urge to get in a car and just run away. My husband hates me so withdrawn but there’s really nothing he can do about it. I just need my space sometimes.

Tomorrow will be our 15 year wedding anniversary. It doesn’t feel like its been that long, yet at the same time, it feels like its been my whole life. He is a wonderful, amazing man. I’m beyond lucky to have him in my life. Our two girls are also a blessing that I’m so thankful for.

Sleep has been a challenge for me and I know that it’s partly related to the various bathroom trips I need to make during the night. I’ll never tell him, but he sometimes hits me in his sleep, so I wake up because of that, too.

Last night, I woke up at four in the morning and wondered what would happen if I hemorrhaged during labor and bled to death. My family would be so devastated but… I had a selfish moment and enjoyed the idea of just going to sleep and not waking up. It would be a wonderful way to go. My last delivery, I has a small one. I remember losing my eye sight because I didn’t have enough blood to flow there. Ironically, I just calmly noted that my sight was gone, even though my eyes were still opened. There was no pain, no panic. Just a peaceful, relaxed notation. Nothing wrong with that.

So I think I’ve decided on a DNR order. I should tell the family, but he’d just panic and think I’m being suicidal. I’m not looking for death, but if it comes knocking, it’ll just say “come on in.”