Judgmental, maybe?

So it’s been a little bit since I’ve been here. I’m 24 weeks now and looking forward to delivery. Baby is growing healthy and it’s quite a normal, uneventful pregnancy. Nothing less than what everyone expected.

What I hadn’t expected was the constant emotional turmoil. Constant crying, constant aching. I’m fully aware that it’s my hormones but I wonder if these thoughts/emotions aren’t the “truth” that I push aside with logic. Similar to my thoughts on people who are drunk. Being drunk turns off the filter, so words spoke are truth, actions taken are actions wanted, without the filter to make it stop. It’s hard core truth.

There is someone in my life whom I love very much but we don’t always see the same side. I am a firm believer that you shouldn’t do anything behind someone’s back that you wouldn’t do in front. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no saint. There are plenty of times when I say that I’d love to beat someone with a baseball bat. And I certainly wouldn’t say that to someone’s face, but I would find a way to soften my words and get my point across with truth.

So to hear that “what he/she doesn’t know, won’t hurt him/her” makes me wonder what goes on behind my back. I have my suspicions on how many lies I’ve heard, how many misdirections. What kind of ethics (or possibly lack of…?) does this person have? Is this someone I want in my life? In my family’s life?

But then I wonder “who am I to judge?” Are we not all marred with imperfections? If the overall package is good, then perhaps I should enjoy the good and ignore the bad…? Maybe?

The choice may not be mine to make, considering how my family has embraced this person. But the separation may be quick in coming, considering how less frequent visits have become. Perhaps it’ll go from a few times a week, to once a week, to every other week until no more. The separation would be easier, right? Begs the question: is slow withdrawal better than cold turkey?

What frightens me is whether this separation will take place before the delivery or after. After, I’ll be able to use logic to bury my emotions. Before… Would be far more painful. Each emotion is on the surface, difficult to control. After all, despite flaws, I still love…