Self discovery

Everyone’s life journey is one of self discovery, even if it happens accidentally.

Today was an eye opener. I went to my old job to visit my old colleagues and their warmth was almost overwhelming. They missed me, they wished I were still there. For a moment, I felt wanted and needed. Most of all, I felt valuable.

The insane voices in my head pipe up far too frequently, especially when someone opens the door wide open by saying “you don’t have to go” when planning a get-together. Why, thank you for saying that I “don’t have to go” repeatedly. Yes, I understand, I don’t need to go because my presence has no value. The experience will not be enhanced by my presence, nor will my absence diminish it either. Or perhaps my presence isn’t really wanted. Is that why you’ve told me that more times than I can count?

Crazy ass bitches…

Why is it so difficult for some to understand emotional pain, emotional scars? Perhaps a point of reference is necessary.

For folks who don’t want to deal with “crazy ass bitches” please understand, we don’t want to BE crazy ass bitches. We’re broken. And yes, some of us have gone through therapy. For years, in fact. But there is no official manual for dealing with broken people, only a guide. And though the people who work in the field do the best they can, sometimes you can only put a bandage and say “I hope this helps.”

I am logical enough to say that my pregnancy hormones are making things far bigger than they should be, a pebble becomes a boulder, a single drop becomes a tidal wave. Yet, these issues, small though they are when I’m reasonable, are still issues.

My personal nightmare, my personal “horror” if you will, is being excluded.

I’ve been picked on when I was a kid, not full on “bullied” per se, but enough that when I see others being bullied, I feel their pain and can say “I’ve been there.” Ironically, my own crazy mother taught me not to care about that and to stand my ground. So, call me whatever names you will, and though it hurts, I can analyze and grow from it.

I don’t know what it feels like to be completely abandoned by those who are supposed to love you. I would assume its what I feel when I’m excluded times 100. Or a 1,000.

I was suffocated by my mother, trapped. To me, seeing others being invited and doing things that I want to do but being excluded (whether by accident or on purpose) is my personal hell.

Today, I blew up on a friend of mine via IM because she asked if my husband and eldest daughter would like to go with some friends to a haunted hay ride. Being used to being ignored and excluded (even if it really hurt) I only focused on my youngest.

To be fair, I must mention that this person loves my girls and would never intentionally hurt either one. But when I read the invitation included only my husband and eldest, my heart started to pound, my hands started to shake.

I calmly told her that he would probably ask the youngest if she’d like to go, too. “The exclusion thing, you know.” I don’t remember the exact words but her reply was something along the lines of “life isn’t fair and they should be individuals, not always together.” And that’s when things went down hill. Again, to be honest, her only thought was that perhaps it would be too scary for a 10 year old. Which is perfectly reasonable since the youngest doesn’t like scary things.

The point was the lack of invitation. Years of “you can’t do this because… you’re a girl, because you’re too young, you’re not enough this, enough that… Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not cool enough…” flooded over me. Years and years of being excluded from parties, events, for example. Not only in childhood but as an adult. Repeatedly having the door closed on my face. Not only metaphorically but literally, as well.

How does one explain this to someone who is constantly looked for? To the point that she gets annoyed by it? How can someone explain the emotional pain that comes from being shunned???